Disa-fucking-pointed

I have an extremely strained relationship with my entire biological family. I talk to 2 cousins sometimes on social media but I haven’t seen them in years and that’s really as far as it goes. It wasn’t always like that though. My daughter is 8 now, she’ll be 9 in August. For the first 5 years of her life we were EXTREMELY close not only to my immediate family but quite a bit of my extended family too. These are the people who helped me raise her, the little cousins that she grew up with.

But because of irreparable, personal differences (mind you I’m minimizing the fuck out of that bc I don’t feel like giving the long drawn out story in this moment but need to vent lmao) I had to disconnect myself from any situation involving any of them for my own sanity. Except my dad, mom and sister. They all irrationally ditched me first. However since there was no physical threat to my daughter, I mistakenly allowed her to keep growing in relationships with these people.

Just the other day my boyfriend and I were talking about how badly I was to protect my daughter from all the trash in the world and he mentioned that it’s only a matter of time before they start letting her down. The things that have happened in my 28 years of life to bring us to this place don’t just change over night. These people have serious character flaws that would take years of therapy and medication to unwrap. I know that because, yanno, there’s no way for me to have grown up in a dysfunctional environment and come out unscathed. I was definitely fighting demons.

It took me 3 entire years to finally become a healthy functional adult. In those 3 laborious years I was going to see a psychologist for cognitive behavioral therapy once a week, taking antipsychotics every single day, going to 2 different group therapies once a week and seeing a psychiatrists monthly…RELIGIOUSLY. I made sure I didn’t miss a beat because I wanted more for myself. I did the work outside of the offices as well. Journaling, yoga, meditation, reading, strength training, daily affirmations, allowing myself to lean into my emotions. I did every single thing they suggested I do and it worked.

My family will not do such a thing. Not even half of it. Not even an eighth of it. So to think they even had this natural ABILITY to be anything more for Mindy was total folly on my part. But I told myself like well they don’t have trauma bonds with my daughter and they’re not real life responsible for her wellbeing so maybe it would be different for her. Wrong.

They have continuously overpromised and under delivered, breaking her heart every single time. I write this after comforting her from yet another heartache at the hands of my mother. I am angry. No, I am fucking livid. I just don’t understand why as a mother you can’t…do mom things like be a comfort instead of a burden. It upsets me. It really triggers me. With every tear my daughter drops I just see flashbacks of all the times my mother disappointed me from failing to protect me from violence.

All the times she overpromised to me and my siblings as well. All the times as a small child I hid in cupboards and closets crying in fear. All the times I told her I’d been sexually assaulted for her to not even believe me. All of the times she refused to answer direct questions of just WHY and chose self-deprecation as a scapegoat instead. All of the times she manipulated me into debt and bad credit so that she can be fiscally irresponsible. All the times she chose to go on vacation alone or with her friends instead of paying bills as my siblings, whom I was virtually raising alone, sat at home in the dark by ourselves. All the times we ended up homeless and had to switch schools. All the times she took her and her husband out to eat at restaurants leaving us with no food at home.

All of those things indicate serious character flaws. They’re part of who she is as a person. As a lost cause. As just one huge disa-fucking-pointment.

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